once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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