Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
