I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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