I faked an abortion last night.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
