If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
