my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
