question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize