one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
