I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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