I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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