All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
