I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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