the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
