Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Panties = found
Are these your boobs on my camera?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
