Nicole vs. Life
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
