I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
