The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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