Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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