Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
