My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize