then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
this hospital has no fireball
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
