I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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