they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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