Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
