we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
