Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
