I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
