it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
