the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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