he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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