He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
