Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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