How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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