WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
