2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
