He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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