I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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