Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
People with herpes should wear stickers.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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