God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
