Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
