I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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