The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
