We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
