Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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