My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
