At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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