Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
