my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
