Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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