now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
