He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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