I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
