I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
