u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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