My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
