ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
