dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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