I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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