God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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